i wonder if my actions are what are to blame or if it is my immaturity. maybe it is not either, maybe it is human nature. i have a problem with people's conceptions of what is right and what is wrong, but if i break them i will certainly be just that - wrong. i can't adhere to them, they are all based on finding just one thing right in the whole world, but in my experience there are so many rights (as well as so many wrongs, but that is a completely different story.) i have put myself in a position some people crave but one i have avoided for as long as i can remember. comfort, i like, but relying on something constant for security is something i don't ever want. there are so little constant factors in my life and i like it. there are the people and my room will always be red and i will always forget something when i leave the house but that's all i need. right? don't feed me bullshit.
SEAFOAM
i don't know if it's better to be inconspicuous or to be ...
yes, it's better to be inconspicuous.
i like you
"live a little" (never say that to me, or anyone, again). hopefully one would have the discretion to not assault a person with their existence.
vancouver, why would you live anywhere else if you have the ocean and the city and the mountains and even the rain
sometimes i wish i'd learned how to skateboard or do gymnastics or play video games
and other times forget just how amazing we all can be together, even if it doesn't happen often, even after something goes all wrong. and then there's the new people places objects that are amazing and everything else is permanently eclipsed.
p.s. perfect party
it's too much to feel
two methods of being: food/water/sleep or conversation/liquor/smokes, they both work.
guess which one i like better.
kick push coast
i need to say things to you i need to talk to you i have to i can think it but i can't say it but maybe there's nothing to say or i don't know how to say it or i can't, i'll just sit and listen sit and listen watch think wish
'be in love with your life every detail of it'
maybe i'm going places, but what i love the most is bikes and the music you play for me and the sentences you string together
we've sort of all infiltrated each other's lives, and i think it's making something weaving something and when someone pulls we all feel it, too hard and everything is out of balance but not enough and we wonder if you're still there. oh and you are all beautiful.
will you sleep tonight
sometimes people tell me "someone always has it worse off" which is a silly thing to say because you'll find people who are the worst at some things, or so mediocre at everything, or so mediocre at a few things. i don't know why but lately i rank everything i do and am among others which is terrible because i always find i am low or lower or don't want to think about it but i seem to have no choice (i do, i just like to think i don't). and then i think and see and you rub in my face all the things i lose because of mediocrity and then i hate that i even think of this but i also hate to think that things might come to me i will go get them and snatch them all up = "mediocrity doesn't mean average intelligence, it means an average intelligence that resents and envies its betters" oh boy, i thought i try my best i don't because if i really wanted -
and i will just string mediocre sentences together and float
the night i was born
i don't need any of you, then (and the fact i have to state, to reassure myself of this fact might make you want to question its validity. currently, i believe it.)
but in any case he'll be the death of me (but only maybe, i hope you feel it's wrong)
alpha
dancing should be spontaneous
as should acts of kindness,shoe purchases and if you're the sort who falls in love then i think it will be spontaneous too.
like a bad cold in the summertime
mostly i just wish you could appreciate staying in bed all day for what it really is: kind of like a dream but you can feel people and breathing
stay gold
i've woven concepts and ideas and parts of my life out of imaginings (not lies, just dreams) and now so much of it isn't real. it is starting to scare me.
tout doucement
les seules sentiments sont celles d'être secondaire a tout d'autre
la seule pensée a son ésprit est qu'elle restera comme cela pendant l'éternité
oui, nous sommes tous seuls mais il y en a quelq'uns d'entre d'autres qu'on oubliera jamais - peut être cela n'est pas vraie, mais c'est une idée dans laquelle je croie foretement
pick me up i'm falling
What do you do in your spare time?
nothing solid
i live on nothings
things that are floaty wispy transparent nothings, really, really
losing things i need (what does a person need, anyway, i am still breathing but it burns)
and people, a degree of dependence isn't all that bad
someone said i have brains, lost them too, if i had anything else i've forgotten it somewhere
sorry i am not a cut-out
and when i wish i were i know i shouldn't wish. i should revel in this
In what?
oh, i don't know... you know what i mean, right?
deeper than my muscles, things that happen behind my teeth behind my eyes
i miss you missing me sort of thing, feed my craving for... you know what i mean, you know what i mean right
Oh... No, I don't have any idea what you mean. Um, what is your favorite book? Movie?
more things that i love but you all force me to do
...Favorite band? Give me something solid to work with here. Something I can publish, something, anything.
oh, music, music, don't.
Okay. I give up.
dawn of the not dead
let's get the material things out of the way: i wish i worked in a clothing store and suddenly i like expensive jewelry.
immaterial: but by immaterial i don't mean things that are insignificant, i mean things that are too significant, the things that you have but can't quite put your finger on. yes, i really like the way you look but what i like more is the way you look and me and what you give and share without even lifting a finger. i hope you wake up from your dream soon, i don't like zombies either.
syntax
there are only two windows here, both facing west, so that you barely know it's daytime until it's almost over. for a while, i thought it was summer. it was warm and there was sun and i thought it was the color of the walls or the color of my skin that made the light look grey but it was the snow and the evergreens and all the flowers that are dead and brown in the yard. alone - where are your hands? - but, see. it's funny how we can be hurt, and who knows the reason that the only place to put it is in words or on paper. there's nowhere else for it to go, maybe. you wouldn't dare say it to my face, would you? i can't say it to yours. no, i'm not bleeding but the smell of tomato paste is making me sick.
"...her eyes half-closed. There was purring. I felt content. Why does it give so much comfort to be responsible for someone's sleep? We all - don't we? - want creatures sleeping in our homes while we walk about, turning off lights. I wanted this now."
i just love to say i called you
real life:
sick as a dog
20 hours of sleep, yeah!
hip hop
my brain is dead
"gettin' physical"
clothes (hate to say it)
tea & bread
russia
each coming night/day
what am i even saying?
actually,
that's the wrong question to ask. what am i getting at?
i'm only asking because right now, everything is seamless & possible
still questioning my ability to make anything tangible
shark tonight
everything i never end up doing, or saying
i think the current times are set in stone and then nostalgia will pop out of nowhere (no looking forward, though. looking forward means being hopeful and we all know what that is like)
backwards is unsettling but comfortable. i know how it ends but sometimes forget how it all happened. so much.... and look where i am, nowhere really. good thing we can daydream pretend everything or nothing happens.
what i really mean is mostly everything sucks. i hate the word rut but a hole would be too deep
someone make music with me
